


Hitched

by daughtershade



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-20
Updated: 2011-06-20
Packaged: 2017-10-20 14:38:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/213826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daughtershade/pseuds/daughtershade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alien matrimony should be the least of their problems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hitched

"Okay, explain this to me again?" he asked.

Teyla looked exasperated with him, but started again. "It's a holy rite. Only two married people may enter the huktak. It's part of their culture's wedding ceremony. After the couple is joined they step through the huktak and out the other side."

"So the only way that we can get in that hooky... that temple room and check the ZPM is if one of us gets married."

"Huktak, and essentially, yes. They are a very religious people."

Rodney snorted beside him. "So you two go up there do their little thing and bring me back my toy." Just as he was about to agree, he saw the horrified look on Teyla's face. Was he that unappealing?

Of course, it didn't faze McKay. "What?"

"I can't do that!"

"Why not?"

She said sternly, "I do not wish to marry Major Sheppard."

"Oh come on! It doesn't even count really. I mean it's not like it's your religion, right? It's just some mumbo jumbo to you."

"A vow is a vow. We are told to respect that in my religion. No."

"So what about Ford? He's a nice young lad," Rodney said pointing to the Lieutenant.

John cringed at the looks Ford and Teyla were both giving McKay, but he had to hand it to the guy for having the nerve.

"What?" Rodney asked again obliviously.

He should have known better when Teyla recovered so quickly. "I refuse to marry any of you, I'm sorry. But if you still intend to go through with this, discounting myself there are still three of you."

Oh yes, he should have seen that coming. John wondered if she learned that sneaky smirk from McKay or if she'd had that streak in her all along. He asked, "Excuse me?"

"I don't believe they'd have any trouble with the two participants being male."

The three of them looked at each other. Ford was already shaking his head. "No way. Uh uh, sir. My grandma'd have a fit!"

"Ford, it's not any big deal. It's like Rodney said, mumbo jumbo."

"So? You do it. You're the leader!"

He really wished he had a comeback for that, but Rodney interrupted.

"Fine we're agreed. You two go up there and make a bold new military and bring me back my ZPM."

The two of them gaped at Mr. One Track Mind. Teyla seemed to be enjoying the show. Ford shook his head again.

"There! Right there! That's why I can't do it. He's my superior officer. It's against regulations."

The boy was a genius. John pointed at him and nodded satisfactorily. "He's right. Can't do it."

Happy that he'd managed to nip that little adventure in the bud, John was about to suggest that they hike back to the gate and let Atlantis know about the trouble. Maybe there was someone else willing to go through the ceremony. Of course, Teyla had to open her big fat mouth again.

"Well then, why don't Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay go through with the ceremony?"

They all stared at Teyla's smug expression, and John was sure she'd been taking lessons from McKay there. Damn them all for exposing other cultures to Rodney's ego! He was like some kind of walking environmental disaster.

"After all," she continued, "Rodney isn't a part of your military, and he doesn't seem to mind the 'binding nature' of this people's faith."

"Okay, I see what this is. This is you getting back at me. Ha ha. I can honestly say that I don't like this side of you, Teyla," Rodney said.

She chuckled in return but John could tell she would refuse to budge. He gave a great big beleaguered sigh and started unstrapping his P-90 and pulling off his vest. Rodney was watching him suspiciously as he handed off his equipment to Ford.

"All right, come on, Rodney."

"What?"

"You want the ZPM or not?"

"You really think they're going to let us walk out of there with it if the place is so holy you can't even step inside?"

"They've already agreed we could take it if we wanted. It's not the building that is sacred, it's the journey through it," Teyla explained.

"What are you complaining about? It's not like you have any religious conflicts with this," John snorted. "I just want to get it over with and go home."

“Home, where we’ll be mocked and taunted. Perhaps someone will buy us a toaster.”

"Okay, Rodney. Would it make you feel better if we agreed never to speak of this to anyone else once it's over?" When McKay shot a sideways look at the other two, he continued, "Ford, that would be an order. Teyla, please?"

She gave a gentle bow with her head, and a look at Ford got him a nod of agreement. He raised his eyebrow at McKay. The scientist started pulling off his back pack and his leg holster with a defeated look.

The elder of the village agreed to preside over the ceremony though he looked at the two skeptically when they explained what they wanted. When he was out of hearing range, John reminded McKay to play the part. He received a small dissatisfied noise, but he did take John's hand as they walked toward the center of the village in front of the hoozits. The villagers all started to gather around to watch the holy matrimony.

John whispered out of the corner of his mouth, "Just keep telling yourself 'mumbo jumbo,' Rodney."

"Children of the shining mountain! Gather together for this sacred occasion of sharing in the joy and love of these two gentle travelers who wish to join together this day!"

The elder continued and John could feel every eye in the place on the two of them. It was starting to make him sweat on the back of his neck. The old guy was just getting up a good head of steam, he could tell, when he looked over and motioned them to stand facing each other and holding hands. He'd been hoping to avoid this because God only knew what kind of pissy expression would be on McKay's face. He was surprised to see that instead of a scathing glare, the scientist refused to look him in the eye. Plus, he was kind of blushing. He'd never seen Rodney blush before, and was surprised the guy had it in him. The elder was still going and John squeezed Rodney's hands. The other man looked up at him questioningly. John looked over at the elder with just his eyes and then rolled them with a small smirk. Rodney's flushed face tried to hold back a laugh. He could feel the tension drain out of the scientist. John jerked sharply to attention when he realized the old guy was addressing him.

"Huh?"

The elder smiled and repeated, "Do you so avow that you will share your heart with this man until the mountain crumbles?"

"Uh, I do?" The other man looked at him expectantly. "I do. I really do." Still the look.

Rodney mumbled, "I think you're supposed to say 'I so avow.'"

"Oh. I so avow!" John said loudly. He looked at the elder and explained quietly. "We usually say it different on my world."

The elder nodded and then turned to Rodney. "Do you so avow that you will share your heart with this man until the mountain crumbles?"

"I so avow," Rodney replied loudly. He looked back at Sheppard and whispered, "How much C4 do we have?"

"Not enough to crumble the mountain, Rodney, forget it," John sing songed back while the elder finished up the ceremony.

Two of the village women approached with a skein of yarn that was dyed a deep red. They moved John and Rodney to stand side by side and tied their wrists together with an intricate wrapping procedure. It forced them to hold hands once again. John glanced down at the yarn and realized it was almost the color of blood. That was vaguely disturbing and he wondered what the symbolism was. Finally, the women stepped away and the elder motioned them up to the arch they'd wanted to go through all day.

"The shining mountain has witnessed your vows. Let nothing tear you asunder!" the elder finished with the crowd joining in on the last sentence. He stepped aside and Rodney practically drug John through the door.

The inside of the little temple was cool after standing in the sun and John took a deep breath of the musty air. They stood in a long hallway barely wide enough for the two of them. The stones under their feet were worn by the passing of hundreds of happy couples. Rodney moved forward and John, being tied too him, kept the pace. At the center of the small temple was a small circular room with a large pedestal at the center. Opposite them was another doorway and long hall that led back outside. Something about the pedestal reminded him of the big lingas he had seen in Hindu temples when he was stationed overseas. Obviously phallic in nature, he figured it was some kind of fertility thing to bless the young couples. He could see them in his mind's eye walking on either side of the stone with their tied hands passing above. It was all very sweet and symbolic, and of course completely wasted on the man next to him.

Rodney had already pulled out his power gauge and was checking the linga. He pushed at a couple of indentations at the base and there was a deep grinding noise. The linga twisted in a spiral and moved up toward the ceiling with a kind of pornographic grace.

"I hope that's not giving you any ideas," John said with a smirk but as usual, Rodney was intent on his work and missed it.

"Please, please... I'm picking up some energy readings, but they're not overly strong. So the ZPM has power, but I don't think it's fully charged. I'm going to have to wait until I have it in the lab before I'll know."

"Well that's good. I'd hate to know I threw my life away on your cheating heart for nothing."

"Very funny. If anyone has to worry about cheating in this relationship, it'd be me, flyboy."

John snickered, and was glad that Rodney was at least taking this all in stride. Hopefully, someday this would be something they could look back on and laugh. Maybe next Tuesday during the regular card game... He watched Rodney pull the ZPM out of the linga's base and then push the buttons that would put it back in place. Since their hands were tied, Rodney propped their find under his other arm and they headed back out of the temple the opposite way they'd come.

He flinched at the light after the darkness of the building only to see all the villagers gathered on the other side. As soon as they'd stepped out into the sun, they were greeted by a loud cheer. The elder approached them again with a proud smile.

"You have found what you were looking for and left the huktak intact?"

"Yes, thank you very much."

"Good now you must kiss!" the old man said loudly and the crowd cheered again.

Rodney looked shell shocked, but John just frowned. "Darn, I'd thought we'd gotten out of that part. Oh well, pucker up, McKay."

"What?"

"You want to keep your little toy?" John hissed quietly at him. "They're all watching. One quick smack on the lips, and we can forget this ever happened, yes?"

Rodney looked resigned but leaned forward. The crowd was quiet all except for some chuckling off to the side. John made a mental note to double Ford's duty roster for the next month. He put a little closed mouth peck on Rodney's lips and then pulled away smiling brightly at the gathered party. The crowd made some disappointed noises and the elder gave him a look. John sighed and looked back at McKay. McKay closed his eyes with a sigh of his own and leaned forward again for a real kiss. John took a deep breath and let him have it. After all, in for a penny, in for a pound. He titled his head to a better angle to deepen the kiss. A tongue brushed across his lower lip and he opened up with surprise. It was the first time that Rodney had showed any initiative since the whole thing started. He sucked greedily on the rough invader and tangled with it fighting for control. The tongue pulled away and John followed it with his own until he was tasting the inside of Rodney's mouth with a groan. It wasn't long before oxygen became an issue.

When John pulled away the crowd was in mid-cheer. He hadn't even heard them start. He and Rodney stared at each other for a moment. The blush was back on his face. John just shrugged and turned to wave. It took them longer to get out of an impromptu wedding reception that the villagers wanted to throw for them than it had to get the ZPM in the first place. After many thank yous, several death ray looks to a laughing Ford, and Teyla finally cutting off the yarn, they were on their way back to the gate.

"Hurry up, McKay. I want to get home in time for dinner. And I'm not carrying you through the Stargate, so don't ask."

"Oh yes, carrying me across a galaxy wide threshold. That's very amusing. I thought we agreed to never speak of this again? And why am I the wife? You be the wife."

"We agreed not to tell anyone else. I can speak about it to you and them all I like. And of course you’re the wife!"

"Why?"

"Because I have the big gun."

"Like you even know what size—"

John quickly interrupted that sentence by holding up his P-90 with a smile.

"Oh, right, yes. Because he who has the biggest gun wins."

"You bet your ass."

"Please leave my ass out of it."

In front of them, Ford elbowed Teyla and said loudly, "They're already fighting like a married couple."

"Yes, but didn't they always fight this way?" she replied with a wicked grin over her shoulder.

"Yeah, I guess it was just inevitable."

John glared at them. "Lieutenant, how would you feel about being a private again? Because that can happen, you know. I can make that happen."

Ford took the hint and although Teyla smiled back at him once more, she too remained quiet the rest of the way. The moment they stepped into Atlantis, Rodney gave a sigh of relief. Weir was pleased that they'd managed to find a ZPM.

"How soon will we know its capacity?" she asked.

"As soon as I can get it into the lab, if you don't mind me skipping the debriefing," Rodney said.

"I don't mind. Major?"

"It's okay with me," he replied and then slapped Rodney on the back. "You go ahead and enjoy your present, Sugarmuffin." John braved Ford's snort and Weir's surprised eyebrow. "Private joke," he explained.

Weir ignored them and said, "Go get checked out by Carson and we'll meet when you're done."

John watched Rodney stomp off like a five year old denied cartoons. He blithely followed while humming the wedding march under his breath. McKay's mood didn't improve in the med unit when Carson noticed discoloring around their wrists.

"What's this? Are you having some sort of rash or reaction to something, Rodney?" Carson said rubbing at McKay's wrist. The scientist looked horrified and jerked his hand away.

John came to his aid by holding up his own wrist. "It's just dye, Doc. Rodney and I just had a little throwdown with some yarn is all."

"All right, but if you show any reaction to the stuff, see me immediately."

Checkups over, they split up in the hallway as Rodney headed back toward his lab to the waiting ZPM. John paused to yell loudly, "I'll miss you, Lovemonkey!" A rude gesture was his reward which left him smiling through the whole debriefing.

The following days were some of the most enjoyable for John since they'd arrived in Atlantis. He continued to call Rodney every ridiculous pet name in the book. For his part, Rodney kept trying to avoid him, but John caught on to this quickly. He started showing up in the lab until Rodney would get tired of his staring and kick him out loudly. Everyday after this exchange, John would be sure to mope around where there were witnesses. But true to his word, he never explained the reason for his strange behavior no matter how hard the personnel tried to persuade him otherwise.

John was surprised it took Rodney a week before he really snapped. He had a bet with himself that it would only take a couple of days. He was piled up with War and Peace when Rodney burst into his room and pushed a button to lock the door.

"What the hell is your problem, Major?"

John finished the paragraph he was on before acknowledging the other man's presence. He carefully put the book away and turned to Rodney.

"I'm disappointed in you, Sweetheart."

"Don't call me that!"

"You know, I really expected you to get into this. As much as we jerk each other around all the time... I don't get it, McKay. Why does this bother you so much?"

"You're being a pain in the ass!"

"So? You're a pain in the ass all the time and you don't see me complaining... Well, okay you do... but you know what I mean? It's our thing."

"Our thing?"

"That thing we do. Our thing!" When Rodney just looked at him with wild eyed confusion, John clarified. "We bitch at each other. It's the way we show our friendship, like the Odd Couple or something."

"We're not friends."

John gaped at him. "Of course we're friends! What do you mean we're not friends? Do you think I go around getting a wacky tribal wedding to just any guy? Geez, Rodney."

He flopped back down on his bed and shook his head. John was surprised at how hurt he was. Rodney was on his team. The four of them were buddies. It's half the reason they worked so well together. He watched McKay's jaw work, but nothing was coming out. Finally, Rodney walked over to the small desk and sat down on the chair.

"We're really friends?" Rodney asked.

It was such a small voice. John was suddenly comparing him to a little kid again and the hurt just got deeper, but for an altogether different reason.

"You don't have many of those, do you?" he asked softly.

"Of course I..." he began but even McKay couldn't hold up his own bluster. "Not really, no."

"You know they say marriage is a two way street. We really need to learn to communicate."

"Well, if you weren't such a nag all the time," Rodney quickly shot back.

"There you go. Much better."

They smirked at each other for a second, but Rodney couldn't hold his eye for very long. John remembered how quiet he was during the whole wedding thing. In fact, Rodney just hadn't been his usual egomaniacal self lately.

"This wedding thing really does bother you, doesn't it?" he asked.

Rodney slumped in his chair. "It's stupid really."

"Yeah, well you got your ZPM."

"Not the wedding. I mean..."

"What?" John asked scooting up to sit on the end of the bed.

"I just never thought about marriage before. I just never saw myself getting married. I didn't think anyone could put up with me that long except for my cat. And then there we were... It just felt weird all the sudden once we'd started. I know it doesn't have to mean anything if we don't let it mean anything, but I feel bad about it now."

"Like you wasted your shot."

"Yeah, sort of."

"I promise you, if you do get married later I'll be a really great ex and stay out of your hair. No late night phone calls. No bitching for the alimony check."

"I thought I was the wife. I should be getting the alimony checks."

"It's the new millennium. You're a famous scientist and I'm just and Air Force flunky. Of course you'll be paying me."

Rodney snorted at this and then looked thoughtful. "You know, technically there wouldn't be any alimony at all. We wouldn't get divorced we'd get annulled."

"Huh?"

"Since we've never consummated the relationship it would fall under annulment not divorce. No money for you, pal."

"Why, Sweetypants, you devil you. Are you trying to give me ideas?"

"You would try to get into my pants just for a payday later. Typical pilot."

"Don't knock it until you've tried it... at 30,000 feet."

McKay looked pained when he replied, "Please tell me that doesn't actually work on women."

"Who says I use that line on women?"

The moment he said it, John knew he'd crossed the line. There was some awkward silence before he stood up. Rodney jumped to his feet as well. They looked everywhere but at each other for a moment. John had a sudden flash of kissing Rodney in the sun and how he'd lost time during it. He wondered if that bothered McKay, or if he'd had the same problem.

"I should probably let you get back to your book."

John nodded and saw him to the door. Rodney pushed the button to unlock it and stopped short in the hallway.

"Goodnight, dear," he said with what he hoped was a smirk.

Rodney turned and gave him a strange look. Then he did something completely surprising. He leaned forward and kissed John softly on the lips before moving away again.

"Goodnight, Lardbutt."

John paused to glance down at his backside over his shoulder and said, "Hey!"

Rodney, already half way down the hall, turned and walked backward.

"It's an endearment. Really!"

He was around the corner before John could yell a comeback. Instead, he let the doors closed and went back to his bed. He checked his place in War and Peace before mumbling, "I don't have a lard butt. I'm svelte even..."


End file.
